I am a doula. This means that I spend a considerable chunk of time with women who are seasoned mothers, women just preparing to be a mother, or women who are handling the new job of mothering. I love my mother; I love my mother-in-law. I love my sister--also a mother. I love all my colleagues at BirthCare Network, most of whom are mothers several times over. I love women and mothering and birth and uteri and vaginas and voluptuousness. I love the Goddess.
Nevertheless, I hate Mother's Day... a LOT.
Mother's Day is a sucky day for me, because I am confronted with a reality which normally I am able to keep on the fringes of my consciousness. But as I watch my husband make a present with the kids for his ex-wife, I naturally tend toward feelings not unlike that which chopped liver must feel. All in all, I feel pretty marginalized. ...I did get a cool present yesterday from my family, but it was given to me with the understanding that it was meant as a 'thanks for taking care of us' present. So, in short, I had mixed feelings about it. I love my stepkids, and I love my husband and his appreciation for the contribution I made to raising his kids. But on Mother's Day, it really hurts--a LOT--not to be a "real" mom. As a logical result, I was in a pretty bad mood all weekend, and now I'm just glad it's over.
Ironically, the blatant Mother's Day salutations I did receive were from my sister-in-law, my own mother and father, and from my husband's ex-wife. She gave me a very beautiful card expressing how much she appreciated the contribution I make to her children's lives. To receive this from her is somewhat bittersweet, you know, as I simultaneously appreciate the recognition while also resenting her for having had her own babies, while I probably will have none. It's a weird life, to be sure.
Questions and sentiments about being a parent, reproducing oneself, sharing one's life with another person and mutually raising and transmitting their culture together to this new being are much more momentous and primal than anyone can really accurately feel in youth. It is only with time that the import of these human rites becomes obvious. For myself, I don't think, now, that I'll be a happy woman at 60 if I have no children of my own to show for it. I don't have a sense that I'll ever make a baby myself, but I think adoption will be a necessary part of my future. I've got to have some kid to call my own. Sharing other people's children (whether my stepkids or those children whose families hire me during their gestation) can only go so far.
9 years ago
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2 comments:
Do it! Do it soon so you won't still be parenting when you are going through your mid-life crisis (like two people we know really well....)
People are always saying how "it isn't the right time to have a baby..let's wait til i get that promotion or we have a bigger house..." there will always be some obstacle--there is never a perfect time to have a baby. I suggest starting to research adoption options and begin filling out paperwork. Depending on who when where you want to adopt, will determine how much paperwork, money, and time will be involved.
This is obviously something that is near and dear to your heart, pressing against it... like a rock or a heavy place...so the only thing to do to alleviate the pressure is to either let it totally crush you into oblivion, or to grab a hold of the moment and realize that it is all a figment of your own created reality--a reality as maleable as an infant's brain. You deserve to attain every honest and heartfelt desire God has placed in your soul--"seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened to you." J, J, and J are lucky to have you as their mother, as will any child, whether they are biological or adopted.
thanks, rene. i appreciate the sentiment. i dunno if i want to acquire my own kids til i finish school, though.
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